About a month ago I was accepted to the College/University I'm planning on attending next year. If you're curious, it's the same college that Lena Dunham and Jane Pratt went to. I'll leave it at that but it's not that hard to figure out. Around the time I got into college Tavi Gevinson wrote an editor's letter about the concept of forever. I'm at the edge of forever right now. I just started the last semester of my last year of High School and I'm using that time to reflect and document my thoughts in my journal.
Last night, I drove my car by myself for the first time. I drove through empty streets of suburbia listening to beach house watching the car hover under every street lamp and pass the occasional sullen faced teenager. I was in a way, in my own Strange Paradise that Victoria LeGrand talks about in Irene. Driving at night is one of the weirdest and most introspective experiences I've had in a while so naturally I want to savor it.
Forever was wonderful. It was when I would sit in the lawn chair section of Target eating scooby doo fruit snacks. It was when I would go into the girl's bathroom and see that someone had done a graffiti portrait of Charles Manson or wrote the wise words in bubble letters "For Rectal Use Only." Forever is when I wore a dress that "looked like someone's grandma's table cloth" or when the boy asked me if I was on acid because I was dancing so hard. When I went to that concert but couldn't enjoy the music because the boy kissed me and I didn't want him to or when I spent my last night of sleep away camp hanging upside down in a tree at the edge of the forest. These were my talisman of the suburbs, things that I kept with me when I walked alone listening to Neil Young on the last days of Indian Summer before it started to end.
What I'm getting at is that I'm at a really weird point in my life. I'm supposed to start thinking about the rest of my life and squeeze myself out of the perpetual unreality I've been living in where I feel like I'm immortal. Realizing that you're at the edge of forever is terrifying because it means you've just finished the first real chapter of your life. I'm descending into what Conrad calls the Heart of Darkness but in a more existential way then a literal descent into hell or the heart of the Congo.
I need to find new mediums to explore to get my writing out there. I've truly loved writing on this blog over the past 3 years. Maybe I'll come back but I really doubt it. I'm going to keep my blog public so if you ever want to look at the posts I did when I was 13 years old and could barely form a sentence, by all means.